The Scaredy Cat Dater

 This is The BAM Blog, sponsored by Black Alternative Match (www.blackaltmatch.com)

This is one of those profiles to look out for. This person wants you to take control. It's not a dom v sub kind of situation. They're literally just scared of making a mistake. They second guess themselves in ways that can be a turn off to some women while the same sign of weakness and vulnerability causes other women to attach more which may be somewhat linked to their motherly instincts.

Fear is a thing that can play a role in gender identity and confusion. That's because society tells us that boys are supposed to fight and smash GI Joes together in plastic carnage until they've successfully completed their mission with the most violence possible. This violence breeds a certain type of strength and competition which causes confidence as a side effect. Women can more easily tolerate anyone struggling with fear, insecurity, and lack of confidence. It may not be sexy or even attractive but they can tolerate it because they are naturally blessed with empathy. 

So while some women embrace it as a project, other women are turned off by it. Many incels ruin any chances they have by speaking. They're confused about what strength is and what it does; what it's for. And as a society we share that blame because the concepts of Ladies and Gentlemen are fading from our collective memory. We don't treat women as Ladies or men as Gentlemen and so these guys fail to understand how a man can be strong yet gentle. This contributes to their fears and lack of confidence because the only confidence they have is in their distinct ability to not get laid.

We tend to have a problem with any overuse of an identity because after awhile that identity doesn't simply represent who or what you are. It begins to write and rewrite the program of what and who you are until you conform to the identities you've chosen.

When a man leans into his fears, and starts to beguided by them, they get stronger while conversely he gets weaker and women can smell this. It smells a bit like emasculation which they're perfectly fine with because they're empathy makes them more supportive. Men; not so much. This is why toxic masculinity is a thing but no one ever says toxic femininity. Females tend to be too supportive to be labeled toxic. The question is whether that can go too far. What if you baby a man such that he never has to be strong? A weak man naturally behaves more like a boy and is even more likely to fear other men, situations, menus, etc. Women find themselves taking care of these men a little more than they are cared for by them.

So ladies... There has to be balance. We love that you are so supportive, but it has to be okay for boys to cry as well as fight. Why? Because there is something good and necessary that is gained from both. For a lot of men, it is simply instinct. Survival instinct. Protective instinct. So keep you eyes open and watch his behavior. It's okay to discriminate if something simply isn't for you. Rejection is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the very tool that teaches us to get up when we fall down.

Slow Down & Fall in Love Faster

 This is The BAM Blog, sponsored by Black Alternative Match (www.blackaltmatch.com)

SLOW DOWN

Thanks to friends who are dating, we're able to stay up on the latest dating trends and nightmare stories. Often, people feel like they're scraping the bottom of the trash heap and they get frustrated; questioning if there are any decent people in the dating pool. What they don't realize is that they are helping to contaminate the pool. Our topic for today is to SLOW DOWN.

There are different reasons for moving too fast. Some people are distracted by every shiny new object and they rush in. Fools rush in, as the saying goes. Some people are so desperate to avoid being alone that they race to cross the proverbial finish line; sometimes leaping first and looking second, not realizing the dice they just rolled. It's risky.

Some people are people pleasers who sympathetically respond to the needs of their potential partner. This can come at a high cost; including their own pace, boundaries, and control. When we go too fast we're rolling the dice, hoping, wishing, and praying that we got lucky enough to find a decent person who won't take full advantage of us. Some partners act like moving faster is a virtue, as if there is no time and the relationship is like a bus with no brakes. Any vehicle has an easier time losing control the faster it goes. Keanu taught us that.

Many people may disguise their desire to speed things up behind romantic notions. We're not arguing that love at first sight doesn't exist; mainly due to this concept being more of a feeling that isn't uniform from one person to the next. People are different. Moving faster can hide issues and warning signs that people can hide from you, distracting you with love-bombing compliments or gifts. Many people, due to being in multiple relationships, have some idea about the problems they have. Instead of trying to fix them, many people simply hide them with shallow conversation and cordiality. So much energy is put into looking like a good man or woman; "a catch". But the more they push and the more they work to prove how "good" they are within a very short time period could mean they don't even believe that they can keep it up. 

Think about it. Relationships develop over time, just like trust. Yes, you can tell someone you trust them after one day, but you can say anything. Relationships should grow like trees, getting stronger over time and more resistant to every which way the wind blows. If someone is trying to rush you they may not be strong enough not to get blown away by the wind. They just want the protective construct of the committed relationship to shield and forgive them when it happens.

An example of taking it slow can be seen in discussing sex. It's natural to be curious while you're getting to know each other. However, ladies, especially, need to be aware that men's minds can be carried away... into the gutter. From there, he may be more interested in fulfilling sexual desires than building a successful relationship. This is something guys try to hide but sometimes you can see how much he's interested in you by considering how much the conversation revolves around sex vs actually getting to know your non-sexual side and what you like, how you think, feel, and communicate. It is also true that a lot of guys are conquerer types. They're willing to invest time and effort to achieve the goal of landing in that woman's bed but if they achieve it too early, it's like climaxing too early. It's not as satisfying and so even though it seems to be something that appeases him, the same thing can make him run once he's conquered.

So take your time. Stop and smell the roses. Taking your time may actually help you feel safer and more secure because you're both moving with confidence in the future of the relationship; not fearing for it so much that you use artificial means to try and prop it up. Let love happen naturally. When the environmental conditions are right for love, that's when it blooms. Trying to command nature with words and magic spells is actually worse than just letting it grow naturally.