The Scaredy Cat Dater

 This is The BAM Blog, sponsored by Black Alternative Match (www.blackaltmatch.com)

This is one of those profiles to look out for. This person wants you to take control. It's not a dom v sub kind of situation. They're literally just scared of making a mistake. They second guess themselves in ways that can be a turn off to some women while the same sign of weakness and vulnerability causes other women to attach more which may be somewhat linked to their motherly instincts.

Fear is a thing that can play a role in gender identity and confusion. That's because society tells us that boys are supposed to fight and smash GI Joes together in plastic carnage until they've successfully completed their mission with the most violence possible. This violence breeds a certain type of strength and competition which causes confidence as a side effect. Women can more easily tolerate anyone struggling with fear, insecurity, and lack of confidence. It may not be sexy or even attractive but they can tolerate it because they are naturally blessed with empathy. 

So while some women embrace it as a project, other women are turned off by it. Many incels ruin any chances they have by speaking. They're confused about what strength is and what it does; what it's for. And as a society we share that blame because the concepts of Ladies and Gentlemen are fading from our collective memory. We don't treat women as Ladies or men as Gentlemen and so these guys fail to understand how a man can be strong yet gentle. This contributes to their fears and lack of confidence because the only confidence they have is in their distinct ability to not get laid.

We tend to have a problem with any overuse of an identity because after awhile that identity doesn't simply represent who or what you are. It begins to write and rewrite the program of what and who you are until you conform to the identities you've chosen.

When a man leans into his fears, and starts to beguided by them, they get stronger while conversely he gets weaker and women can smell this. It smells a bit like emasculation which they're perfectly fine with because they're empathy makes them more supportive. Men; not so much. This is why toxic masculinity is a thing but no one ever says toxic femininity. Females tend to be too supportive to be labeled toxic. The question is whether that can go too far. What if you baby a man such that he never has to be strong? A weak man naturally behaves more like a boy and is even more likely to fear other men, situations, menus, etc. Women find themselves taking care of these men a little more than they are cared for by them.

So ladies... There has to be balance. We love that you are so supportive, but it has to be okay for boys to cry as well as fight. Why? Because there is something good and necessary that is gained from both. For a lot of men, it is simply instinct. Survival instinct. Protective instinct. So keep you eyes open and watch his behavior. It's okay to discriminate if something simply isn't for you. Rejection is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the very tool that teaches us to get up when we fall down.